


Not Even Love

by notcha_son



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Cannon-verse, Crying Eren Yeager, Darkness, Developing Relationship, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Erwin is dead, Forgiveness, Hurt Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, Making Out, Mentioned Erwin Smith, Past Relationship(s), Self-Hatred, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:28:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25180990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcha_son/pseuds/notcha_son
Summary: Levi’s known that love is selfish and painful, codependent even. Years after loosing Erwin, he let himself fall into pools of green and a warm embrace. Still, he can’t accept Eren in his heart, not until he breaks.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Kudos: 24





	Not Even Love

"Captain." 

That voice. 

It brought yet another wave of emotion into the storm taking place in the man's heart. 

"...Captain." It said again, softer. There wasn't a trace of regret or guilt the man hopelessly searched for. 

He refused to face him, keeping a cold wall between them even after the cell bars were already gone. They've been gone for years. There was no difference still, the latter thought. He stepped forward, approaching the man who was still fighting against him. 

They were both quiet. Eren didn't bother to think of what else to say, and Levi felt words were useless during moments like these. Instead, the younger walked besides him, carelessly leaning his side on the window and crossing his muscular arms, joining Levi’s empty stare out of it. It was a strange way to converse. Their own silent language. They felt the tense air dissipate after a while, noticably letting their muscles loose. Both faced each other simultaneously, not bothering to waste anytime on taking slow steps. 

Their eyes held a silent conversation, an invite. Eren had reached his hand out, and like a weak metal to a magnet, Levi took it. Their lips and body connected then. 

Eren had cupped the man's face, trying to initiate the fire with his lips on his. Levi's arms hadn't moved anywhere further from the man’s chest, and his lips weren't searching for more. 

_Hesitance_. 

Eren recognized it. He knew why. Still, he wasn't regretful. 

The brunet softly trailed both his hands down the smaller's neck, caressing delicate circles into his skin with his fingers.

Then a slow and firm move of his lips.

_I'm sorry._

Levi shuttered a pained breath, knowing he wasn't. He responded with a harsh grip on Eren's shirt to bring him closer. His eyebrows had scrunched into a soft frown and his lips moved feverishly against the taller of the two. Eren furrowed his brows as well, hating the fact that he _knows_ he can never feel sorry. 

He needed to feel it in order for Levi to move on, yet the darker side he can't control refuses to.

_Not even love._

The brunet's hand moved from the man's neck and instead gripped his hair -now longer- back, pushing his lips down onto his for harsh, nearly angry kiss. Levi felt another blade slash inside him. So strong that he could've fallen. His arms had gone around Eren's neck before that ever occured, but his attempts weren't useful. His knees were already weakened. 

_Not even love._

Eren swooped him up, grabbing the man's thighs harshly. Levi couldn't help the hitch in his voice or tear brimming the corner of his eye. He wrapped his strong legs around the brunet's waist, letting him destroy him through unspoken words while he was pressed to the wall beside them.

Eren didn't have to speak to explain that he just _couldn't_. Levi understood. He knew before Eren himself. The dark haired man pulled the younger's hair, taking control of the kiss to ask him why despite that. He moved his lips slowly but firmly, his eyebrows pinching together at his own action. That moment was filled with enough passion to translate for him. 

_Why?_

It pained him. It pained Eren in an indescribable way. Enough for him to lose focus and shutter. 

Levi took advantage of that, capturing their lips again. It was mostly him doing it, coaxing Eren's mouth to move with his own. He tried to convince him through soft, loving dabs against Eren's chapped lips, even softer licks on his bottom lip. Levi already knew that at this point, Eren would just kiss his cheek. A soft peck only and then he'd leave. They've had this argument before. It always ended the same way. It's never gone any farther. 

That record was broken in a span of a second when Eren moved his lips at once. A feathery, plump trail that held everything Levi ever wanted.

Levi tensed, surprised and unprepared. The brunet pulled away to look at him. It was in that moment when Eren finally felt genuine. 

"Levi..." The first word. So, so quiet. A secret.

The raven grounded his stare into the other's, waiting, hoping. 

"I'm sorry." The arms holding him up began to loose strength. Levi stepped down, an expression of nothing but shock stared up at Eren. Is he faking it? Did he finally realize that Levi won't accept him in the way both of them needed unless he finally admitted it? It was unfathomable to even suggest. This man in front of him was incapable of doing what Levi desperately needed to forgive him. He wants to, God does he want to. After all these years of losing Erwin, after countless nights entertaining the idea that maybe this magical bond between them can be replaced, he wanted to forgive Eren. 

Eren's breath hitched, tears briming his eyes, threatening to roll down his tanned cheeks. "I'm...I'm so sorry for taking Erwin's place..." He let his head fall, finally mourning. 

"I'm so sorry for taking what you could've had." Eren stepped away, shaking his head. The amount of aching inside pushed him further away.

"I'm sorry for being selfish, for being such a-" He couldn't help it. A heavy sob emitted it's way out from the bottom of his heart. The latter didn't dare step closer, letting him feel everything. 

"...such a monster." He finished with an almost growl. A deep bellow that could paint the blackest night a shade darker. 

_Finally_.

With a small smile, Levi reached out to cup Eren’s cheeks, forcing the younger man to face him. Eren refused to open his eyes, feeling awful about whatever he’s been fighting inside him. He knows deep down that that’s the real him and the fact that Levi, of course Levi, knows about it, puts him in such a vulnerable spot. He doesn’t understand when he saw it but it doesn’t matter. 

“I don’t want you to tame it.” 

Eren snapped his eyes open, fixating an intense stare on Levi. _How could he say that and mean it?_

Gently, Levi began, “Eren it’s not your fault you’re that way. Personally, I believe we all have a darkness, wether it’s developed or from birth. It doesn’t matter where it came from, just that we can’t force it away.” Eren tried to capture all of it, feeling more and more helpless. He knew he’s the most dangerous because not only is he a monster himself, he can turn into one. It’s too much power for someone _that_ capable. 

Eren felt more tears roll, remembering, “Levi you don’t understand, I-,” he took a breath, getting more control, “I killed that man, Levi. Up in the mountains and lived so normally. I made Mikasa kill the other and there was such an obvious change and that was _my fault_. It didn’t change me, I was already that shift from the beginning. The reports don’t say that-” Levi tip toed to kiss his nose, silently cutting him off. Eren felt his heart tear again, feeling as if he didn’t deserve it but before he moved away Levi trapped him. 

“That situation was necessary for your survival. I know you don’t regret it.” It’s true. “Mikasa doesn’t blame you for that shift. She became so loyal to you even. You helped her save herself.” He supposes he’s right. “That darkness has done more good than bad, Eren, and that stable part of you always guides it with better intentions. It’s okay if it slips. So...” Levi looks down, preparing his words and his voice, “...even though you chose to fight Erwin’s survival, you did it with good intentions towards Armin. You didn’t kill him, Zeke did, and I just decided Erwin has had enough. Eren, you can never fill the void that’s left behind. Bonds aren’t meant to be replicated, it’ll never happen. But you can help me make it better to deal with.” Levi looked up to see into those big, red rimmed eyes, “And the best part is that the both of us can build something entirely new for ourselves. Possibly something stronger.” 

As he closed that sentence, Levi came to accept that Eren could never feel sorry for taking Erwin’s life from him, but he’s mourned that. He has tried, and now knows he can’t stop what he feels for him. He means that about the bonds, it’s one of the things in this world that he understands. He can’t be angry at Eren when the man is already angry at himself for _not_ feeling. That’s enough for Levi because he knows Eren is trying. 

Both of them were vulnerable, and both of them had used more words compared to the other arguments. It’s clearly very different. Something new and Eren welcomes it. He welcomes it by joining Levi’s hand on his cheek, rubbing a gentle thumb over the back of Levi’s hand and smiling. Levi’s heart clenched in the best way, knowing he finally got him through it. 

Eren reached his arms to secure themselves on Levi’s waist and bring him closer. Levi let him, slithering his own around the taller man’s neck. They stood there pressed together like that with small smiles, a peace embracing them. 

_Not even love_. 

But this is enough

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to the snk CD “In The Forest of the Night, Burning Bright” and its about Levi’s true feelings towards Eren. He’s the one who understands Eren the most and understood that there was a monster within him that wasn’t the titan. He says that it couldn’t be tamed by anything, not even love. It’s honestly beautiful and it stuck with me. I wrote this years ago based on this and the fact that they both communicate better through body language. Finally sharing this after years of being in my drafts.


End file.
